I'm looking for some insight here.. Hopefully some of you have wisdom to share!
I began a long distance relationship about 3 years ago with a man, over the internet (there's our first red flag, haha). We both have a mutual interest in bdsm, which is how we came across each other to begin with. He is the dominant. Over time we realized how much we cared for each other, and decided that we wanted to try things out by moving in together. He was planning on coming to stay with me.
About a year went by, and I became completely heartsick about his constant %26quot;tomorrow, tomorrow%26quot; attitude. I felt that he was afraid to take the leap. About a week after a recent tearful call, (during which I was nearing a breakup over his continued absence), he called me up and dropped the bomb - he sometimes wishes he were a woman!
I'm a fairly open minded individual. I've moonlit as a dominatrix in manhattan, for pete's sake! (albeit, a lousy dominatrix). Cross dressing, I don't care. He could even have been a pie f-ing serial killer! But I, alas, like men. I wanted to end the relationship then, but I really truly care for him and I'm proud that he came out to me about it. I'm also angry that he waited so long. I discussed my feelings of uneasiness with his desire for a sex change, and the fact that this has severely skewed my sexual perception of our relationship (not to mention the d/s aspect - I simply don't like women! (No offense, ladies)). He replied in a way that made me feel as though I'm being shallow and not truly loving him for who he is (she is?). He said that a journey with a partner in d/s can be so spiritual that it transcends sexuality. This hit a sore note with me because I am involved, and hoping to grow, in my own consciousness and metaphysical abilities. Did he say it then, to hit that note?
Am I being shallow? I can't make myself have sexual urges for a woman any more than he can for a man (he wants to be a lesbian with me). I've been trying to be open, but every allusion he makes to it upsets and stresses me, and really very deeply turns me off. I've spent 3 years nearly ill in love with him - and now it's suddenly - %26quot;well, you can try to change your sexuality, or it's as if this person you thought you could grow old with has been killed instantly, in some bizarre accident.%26quot;
My apologies for this length - it's a thick situation (to me at least). Insults, insights, anything - input! Please and thank you.3 year LD BDSM BF wants sex change.. but I'm straight!?This whole situation sounds fishy to me.
I think your gut is trying to tell you this isn't going to work. And that's okay. I've seen way too many couples try and force their relationship to work when all the signs clearly said it wouldn't make it. I don't think you should feel guilty because it sounds like you have really given this a lot of thought.
Your partner on the other hand needs to see a therapist. If they are serious about transitioning they need to fix their codependency issues before proceeding with transition. A transition built on an unstable base will not succeed. Advise them to see a therapist and don't let them guilt trip you.
The fact is the vast majority of relationships do not survive transition. And the ones that do are usually rock steady from the beginning. This one doesn't have a chance in my opinion. But that doesn't rule out the possibility of transforming this relationship into something else, like a normal friendship. It's up to you.
Hope this helps.3 year LD BDSM BF wants sex change.. but I'm straight!?Well, you both have your rights.
You have the right to want a normal man %26amp; woman relationship, and he has no rigth to put a sort of %26quot;chastity belt%26quot; on you or ask you to beconme a Lesbian.
On the other hand he has the right to choose the flifestyle that's right for him, once he can make an informed choice and has a strucured life project ahead of him.
In a way you are lucky you aren't married -or nearest equivalent- because you would be tied together in a long term relationship, for better or worse -especially worse-, and one of you would not be happy, or even both of you.
Maybe if there was a way for you to still see him as a man, likle if he stayed %26quot;pre-op%26quot;, that might work out fine for you. But he might be annoyed that you refuse to see the woman in him...
