I write a lot and I wanted to help her out. Everything in the poem reflects her cirrcumstances, yet, it might sound more like a song because thats the only way I can write poetry. It MUST have a jingle of some sort while Im writing.
Can you rate it on a scale 1-10. What can be changed?
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At home, in my own little world.
The sad and bottomless truth has finally been unfurled.
People say I look so happy, love upon my face.
Unfortunately, for me鈥?that鈥檚 just not the case.
You couldn tell by my big brown eyes, how they shine.
They shine because the tears I鈥檝e shed over a lost love of mine.
That love I had was all to perfect, seemed betrothed.
But in that short-lived love, I was all alone.
Who could hurt me so much in heartbeat... who?
I'll tell you who... that someone was you...
Chorus鈥?
How could you choose her over me?
My heart was crushed all too perfectly.
Thought we were going steadily鈥?br>
How could you choose her over me?
And if you only knew. You might just change your attitude.
Or are you that heartless? No matter how much I beg, or text鈥?Could you really just care less?
I鈥檓 dying here you see鈥?br>
All I鈥檓 really asking鈥?br>
How could you choose her over me?
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You said I had sunshine hair, the color of gold
No matter how many times you told me, that never got old.
Thought you said these big brown eyes made you melt
Though you said my smile was one in a million, so warm and heartfelt.
What I never thought was all those words of admiration were lies.
Couldn get over you or the hurt you caused me if I tried.
You led me on,
You were a beautiful con.
What you did to me was more than wrong.
Could have told me you didn love me from the start, and then it would not have been your fault.
You鈥檙e the reason why my heart is bound up tight in a vault.
I cant get over your face, or your harshness to me.
My heart might be bound forever and you destroyed the key.
I cant take it no more, this is all bitter, not sweet.
Chorus鈥?
How could you choose her over me?
My heart was crushed all too perfectly.
I loved you all too tenderly.
How could you choose her over me?
And if you only knew. You might just change your attitude.
Or are you that heartless? No matter how much I beg, write or text鈥?Could you really just care less?
I鈥檓 dying here you see鈥?br>
Darling鈥?
How could you choose her over me?
Though you were sent from above.
I guess that鈥檚 the price for young love.
But it hasn all been in vain.
I鈥檝e grown much stronger through this bitter pain.
How could you chose her over me?
I guess it wont be long until she sees.
Behind these eyes, there lies secrets you鈥檒l never know.
It just goes to show, I鈥檓 not entirely broke.
No matter how much you hurt me, friends will always be.
It doesn matter much now to me.
I鈥檒l find one worthy of my time.
Someone I鈥檒l have the right to call mine.
So until then, I wish you well.
Though you鈥檝e made my life a living Hell.
Wont spend my days in a loveless shell.
How could you chose her over me?
I guess it wont be long until she sees.
For the girl with the brown eyes, she had wiped her tears, looked towards the sun.
For the girl鈥檚 happy ending has just begun.
END
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I used %26quot;TEXT%26quot; because the girl said that she wanted it somewhere in the poem.
Believe me. I didn't like the word either. I was like WTH? : s
It was originally
%26quot;And if you only knew. You might just change your attitude.
Or are you that heartless? Could you really just care less?%26quot;
Anyways, I wrote it down in my lyrics journal so I wont forget. I just hope she doesn't %26quot;steal%26quot; it.RATE THIS: How is this POEM that I wrote for a girl who needed help writing one here on Y!A?some rhymes are super cliche and predictable. and its pretty darn long. dont used text, thats dumb. try to imply more and be less obvious and less literal. use more imagery to describe how you feel. use less rhetorical questions.
otherwise, its okay.RATE THIS: How is this POEM that I wrote for a girl who needed help writing one here on Y!A?This is a SONG.
And i don't like it.RATE THIS: How is this POEM that I wrote for a girl who needed help writing one here on Y!A?Check out http://www.writing.com
Its an online community of writers of all types who post their original works and then read and rate the works of others (or atleast they used to when I was still a member). I would almost bet money that the folks on THAT site would have a lot more useful things to say (and be way more respectful) about these song lyrics than anyone on this one...i love it :)
its a nice poem and would be a beautiful song :)
xTo avoid having your work stolen, be sure to put your by-line, and copyright date when you post it. As it is, you have not protected yourself.
by your name
(c) the date
Having it in your lyrics journal will help you when you actually put the music together. Then, as you use the lyrics, you'll probably find that you have 2 or 3 songs here. t
It was kind of you to write for her. I do that myself, but I always post the work, as you have done here, with by-line and copyright as my own question. Some of my best work has come to me this way -- especially after I've reworked it.i like the chorus i give that like a 7/10 but the rest not so much over all 6/10I do like it. It makes me think deeply about love, and the way we feel about each other and even why we might feel that way about someone. Nice work. I give it an 8.5. :-)
